The past four years have been a whirlwind of emotions and happenings. In a way, I lost myself. I lost myself in the madness of what was happening. And even though I have kept moving, and kept persevering, so much of myself has been lost. So much is gone. How many times do I need to get knocked down? Am I making excuses for myself? I feel as I am.
Choices. Such as being left. Either by a love one or by death. It still causes the same amount of pain. Or maybe even more.
I’ve dealt. I’ve taken care of my own. I’ve risked everything. I’ve changed. I’ve moved. Twice. I’ve come and gone. I’m through. My heart feels as if it doesn’t want to breathe. But it keeps going. Hopeless for wants. But hopeful for the ones around. The fire needs to come back…so I’m on my way to starting it!
Discoveries 
December 2, 2008 at 4:33 am
I like the attitude!
December 2, 2008 at 4:39 am
It needs to stop…and it is in my hands…not in destiny’s hands…so I better do something about it…
October 17, 2009 at 11:17 pm
please write an entry. i am in love with you.
October 18, 2009 at 12:08 am
what i really mean to say is i love your heart. you’re thoughts are beautiful.
October 20, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Thank you!!!
I know I haven’t written in a while. I was actually thinking of starting a new blog. Discoveries was sort of a therapy session while I was going through some heavy duty stuff. You can send me an email to sabri2018@hotmail.com if you wish and I’ll keep you updated as to my next move.
Take care and thank you for reading!
Per
October 20, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I read your entry a few days ago about your neighbor’s car being on fire. you mentioned karma. what goes around, comes around… etc etc.
Do you really believe that? I’m not asking rhetorically or with any sarcasm. I think it is an ideal – something we sometimes say to ourselves to explain why someone does something to us in the moment that we may find hurtful.
I hope it is actually true. I WANT to believe that what goes around comes around. But then I think about it sometimes and it seems too good of a concept to actually be true.
I wonder what you think about this.
Sincerely,
Yours.
October 20, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Hmmm…I think there are several elements involved. I think Karma does exist but there are also other elements such as luck. Some individuals go through life as if they were untouched by anything while most others are touched by consequences. It is relative. I think in that particular case, people pointed out karma. I would like to believe that the reason the car went up in flames was because of it but I am not sure to tell you the truth.
I do believe in cause and effect, or actions and consequences. I do believe that for every action there is a reaction and those affect all around you. I am responsible for everything that I decide to do or not to do and for the consequences that come about based on those actions or lack there of. That I believe in wholeheartedly. What about you?
October 20, 2009 at 7:33 pm
hmmmm. interesting response.
I guess i am an optimist, and I hope there is a sense of checks and balances in life, and that god or whomever keeps sight on his people, whether just from the corner of his eye or straight on. But it seems that all too often, bad people all to often are able to continue on with their crafts without retribution. Sometimes I find that quite quite troubling.
I guess if we take your story, for example. You saw the girl bump your car, and then later on in life, you see her car catch fire. While it may be quite satisfying, how many stories are there where you get burned and don’t see the person go punished? It seems sometimes that bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. Its the ultimate contradiction.
On a lighter note, I hope your heavy duty stuff is better. Everyone in life goes through such trials. But your thoughts and values, they often still stay the same. Your viewers probably miss those (but for all I know I might be the only veritable reader of recent days). I think you could probably blog on either music OR travel, or find some way to combine the two.
October 20, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Did you ever watch the movie Match Point? That was an interesting point of view. I think we, as human beings, want to have a singular explanation for everything. But truthfully, there are many, many factors affecting life in general. That is why maybe Karma doesn’t apply to every situation and etc. Life is a contradiction at times and I agree, I get frustrated when I see so many bad things happen to good people.
Thank you for the good wishes. I know I need to write again. It’s helpful. Your comments are inspiring. Sometimes when you are writing you wonder if anybody out there reads anything. I’ll start up again soon. 🙂
October 20, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I never have watched the movie “match point”. Sounds like a tennis affair though. I tell you what, I’ll look for it. And movies I would recommend in return – they are on the movie channels these days: Changeling (HBO I think), and Seven Pounds (Starz). Both of two people who over pay for slight mistakes. I hope you are able to watch one of these two flicks. Seven Pounds is a tear jerker.
It IS helpful to write. And you do have an audience, but does it really matter? If you write, and it helps you, who cares if people read and what they think? Nonetheless you do make ME think.
I must now bid you adieu as my thirsty plants await me at my abode.
October 20, 2009 at 9:36 pm
“That is why maybe Karma doesn’t apply to every situation and etc”…
You made this statement that made me think during my ride home. If karma doesn’t apply to each situation, then is there such a thing as selective karma? I don’t see how some situations and people can avoid it, and some get crucified by karma. That is a scary thought to me. So while I would like to believe in karma—what goes around comes around—I certainly hope that if it exists, it applies to all situations. The concept of “luck”, and getting lucky and avoiding karma, isn’t one that I really want to believe in.
October 21, 2009 at 4:50 am
I have not seen those movies, so I’ll be sure to watch them soon.
I am glad that I made you think about life in general and its questions.
The concept of luck. Yes, it is a puzzling one. I would not go so far as to saying that Karma is selective. But I do not think it is a singular factor as I have said before. There is combination of things affecting situations and life in general and one variable does not affect any given situation more than the other. In other words, there is a lot of gray in life. As much as we would like things to be black and white there are multiple shades of colors that play into our lives everyday. It doesn’t make it right or wrong. It just is. In my fair opinion, I try to live the best I can…and I hope for the best. Not always do I get the best outcome but at least I can sleep at night.
October 21, 2009 at 6:52 am
If you can sleep at night why are you awake at 1 am? 🙂
I agree with you about shades of gray. In fact one of my friends and I talk about this often – we want to deal in absolutes but we find ourselves having to remind one another that nothing is ever quite so clear. If things weren’t a bit cloudy at times, life wouldn’t be fun, would it? So it is wise for you to say you try to live your life to the best of your ability. That is something that is to be remembered.
You know what? I do strongly believe in the idea of karma – at times when I am tempted to do something which I know is morally wrong, I apply self restraint because I am fearful of what may come back around and get me when I am least prepared.
You routinely update on your musical taste of the day. What CD are you listening to in your car these days?
I must sleep now.
October 21, 2009 at 1:31 pm
I usually do not go to bed so late, but for some odd reason last night I could not turn off my computer.
I am listening to various CDs right now. One is Y. by a Spanish singer named Bebe. It is her latest album and I love the beat and her voice. Even though, her lyrics are ultra depressive there is something very soulful and liberating about them. I am also listening to Artic Monkeys. They are a British Rock bank that is just fun to listen to and they fill the void in my long drives. And lately, I have been listening to a lot of individual songs by various artist. I haven’t found a good all around album that I am exited about. I did go to the U2 concert and that was incredible. What about you?
October 21, 2009 at 3:10 pm
This is interesting.
For various reasons I have not been able to bring myself to listen to much new music lately.
So I have been listening to older stuff, near and dear to my heart that brings back memories of yesteryear. I am sure you have heard of the group “live”, big in the mid-90’s. While a very mainstream CD, I love Throwing Copper, and the song Lightning Crashes. Melancholy to say the least, but how precious life is. If you haven’t listened to it, give it a listen on you tube, but I don’t know anyone who’s not heard this song.
Another group I’ve been listening to, and mainstream to say the least, is the Cranberries. I like the song “dream”.
U2. What a can of worms you’ve opened up. Unfortunately in my opinion all of their good stuff is old stuff. I can’t say that I like anything that has come out of their Dublin homes since the 1990’s. But that said, With or Without You and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For are two of the greatest 10 songs of all time. Did they play any of that stuff or mostly new stuff?
Can you recommend a song on this Y by Bebe?
October 21, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Oh I love Throwing Cooper and the Cranberries. They are oldies but goodies. I listen to Live a lot actually. And U2, well, they played all of their old stuff. So it was wonderful.
Listen to No Mas Llora from Y. I love, love, love that song.
October 21, 2009 at 8:25 pm
thats a very nice song. very rhythmic. sad though, about a woman who seemingly has lost her love and is finding herself within her own solitude. at least that is my own interpretation through the help of interpretive services.
you are very insightful. in your dec 1st publication you write “Choices. Such as being left. Either by a love one or by death”. are you afraid of being abandoned?
October 21, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Haha…I was. For a very long time. Years. But now I have made the conscious decision that stuff happens and it has no reflection on anybody. Nothing in this life is eternal, except death. Now, I am just happy with all that I do have and not worry so much about what might leave or what I do not have.
October 21, 2009 at 8:57 pm
I am really proud of you. I must go away now for a really really really long time. Or until I have more questions for you. Thank you forever and ever.
October 21, 2009 at 11:00 pm
PS: you are minnie driver aren’t you. be honest here. you are minnie driver.
October 22, 2009 at 3:47 am
My car’s name is Minnie. But she is a Mazda 3. You were very close. 🙂
What about you? And why did you think that?
October 22, 2009 at 11:38 am
my baby doesn’t have a name like yours does. but mine is similar in style as to yours. and i would guess mine goes a little faster.
i thought of minnie driver because last night i was watching a movie called grosse point blank and thought you must look like her. she was one of the starring actresses. she is also in good will hunting. but i imagine your car is probably named after the mouse, and not the actress.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000378/
October 22, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I must admit, she was named after the mouse. I like Disney, I must admit. But I do like Minnie Driver. She is an excellent actress. And that is a great movie. So, what is your baby’s name?
October 22, 2009 at 5:36 pm
I hope my translation is right:
!mi coche no tiene un nombre!
I don’t know how to make an upside down exclamation mark.
I once had a GPS named “Sheila” but “Sheila” was stolen 😦
October 22, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Sheila…hmmm…mine is called Tomasina…after Tom, Tom.
Your Spanish is good 🙂
October 24, 2009 at 6:50 pm
¿Has visto esta película?
http://www.vimeo.com/2694531
there is no real reason i am asking, i just love the dialogue. i keep watching it over and over. its so captivating.
did my question come out ok in spanish?
October 24, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I did see that movie. And your spanish is great!!!
What do you like so much about it?
October 25, 2009 at 2:59 am
my spanish is a product of google translator. so don’t let me take all the credit. although, when i was in college in 1996 i took spanish s150 and did well. but you forget all of that after 13 years right? i know words, i started learning at a young age, starting with sesame street – maria was the latin actress on sesame street. i don’t know if you remember her? i don’t even know if you watched sesame street. or mr rogers neighborhood?? I loved mr rogers. i also loved mr snuffalapagaus on sesame street. what a cool character.
why do i like that movie? it was true love between this schizophrenic genious and his wife who took care of him for years and years while he dealt with his delusions, and then for him to give her gratification by dedicating himself to her in that speech. priceless. sayiing that love overcomes his profession as a science. a man is only as good as the woman who stands next to him. i guess i’m too much of a romantic. this is such a romantic speech.
one of the other touching movie scenes, let me see if i can pull off cutting and pasting the link.
the 4:20 is an important part. do you believe in destiny or do you believe you control your own destiny? don’t answer that. just think about it. i don’t know the answer.
a really really good friend made me think about this in march, and i still try to grasp the question. i don’t know, i want to believe that i can control everything but at the same time i want to fantasize that what is supposed to happen happens. if that makes sense. i’m not sure i know the answer to how i feel about this question – i’m not sure that i even have the emotional maturity to grasp the question as a whole.
ps: i still hate united.
and i’m going to need to go to the bathroom. and there are 10 bzillion people in this airport. i like people watching. there are these two kids, adorable, fighting with one another in such a way that makes you just smile. they are teasing one another. the boy looks like he’s 6 and the girl looks like she’s a little older, maybe 7. and they are flanking their mother and reaching around the mom and poking one another and then looking the opposite direction as if they weren’t the one to do it. the girl just struck the boy in the head with the backside of her hand and the mom had to get a bit terse. classical. i’m loving it.