Self-Discovery


“The overman…Who has organized the chaos of his passions, given style to his character, and become creative. Aware of life’s terrors, he affirms life without resentment.”

–Friedrich Nietzsche
German philosopher (1844 – 1900)

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The past four years have been a whirlwind of emotions and happenings. In a way, I lost myself. I lost myself in the madness of what was happening. And even though I have kept moving, and kept persevering, so much of myself has been lost. So much is gone. How many times do I need to get knocked down? Am I making excuses for myself? I feel as I am.

Choices. Such as being left. Either by a love one or by death. It still causes the same amount of pain. Or maybe even more.

I’ve dealt. I’ve taken care of my own. I’ve risked everything. I’ve changed. I’ve moved. Twice. I’ve come and gone. I’m through. My heart feels as if it doesn’t want to breathe. But it keeps going. Hopeless for wants. But hopeful for the ones around. The fire needs to come back…so I’m on my way to starting it!

Today, nine years ago was probably one of the worse days of my life. I will never forget it. It was the day I was going to Marco Island, FL for the first time. See my friends insisted in taking me since I was the only Miamian that had never been to Marco Island ever. But I didn’t want to go. I didn’t. Something in me was telling me not to go. It was strange. So around 2pm, I still had not asked my parents for permission, but I figured, hmmm…maybe I should go with the earlier car. Because I knew mom and dad will not be too thrilled if I left to Marco at night. So I called my friend who was driving the first car, but for some odd reason we couldn’t communicate. I rushed to my boyfriend’s (at the time) house and when I got there, I had missed them by a few seconds. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! How frustrating. If I had ran that yellow light I would have made it. Geez!!!!

Oh wellz, I’ll just go with the boyfriend and the other friend to Marco at night. In the meantime, I’ll go to work. I was a babysitter at the time. Still at the boyfriend’s house, the boyfriend met up with me. It was strange he kept on opening the door. But there was no one there. Yet this strong gush of wind will blow through the entryway. It was sort of odd. I went to pick up my munchkin at her recital practice. I had a beeper at the time, and I get two 911 beeps from another friend. Hmmm…I got immediately pissed off because I thought they were unnecessary. So, I got the little one in the car. And went to a public phone and called. Amidst the tears and the screaming, I was able to make it out the following words—accident, two friends, my best friend, and no hospital. I suddenly felt a nervous tingly sensation all over my body. An uncontrollable force came over me and I just started weeping. I got in the car and told the munchkin to tell me jokes. She did. The whole way. I dropped her off at her mom’s work and rushed to my friend’s house (the one that had told me the news) only to find out that it was true. My best friends had just died in a horrific car accident. Nineteen years of age. Perfect girl, perfect student, perfect friend and daughter. Perfect being. I felt as if life was taken out of me. If it had fled me. My time clock had stopped. I saw people moving around me but I couldn’t move along with them. I could hardly breathe. I was numbed. Distraught. I couldn’t eat, drink, think, anything. I just felt all feeling and desire to feel had escaped me. How could the person that I was the closest to disappear? From one day to the next? I just didn’t get it. I don’t know.

Today, I still miss her as much as that day 9 years ago. I wish she was here. Next to me. But I think of her everyday. I know she will always be with me. In my heart. What this has taught me? To truly treasure my friends and family. We are on borrowed time here, and we should never take our loved ones for granted. For you don’t know if that is the last moment you will share together…

I have been absent. Physically. Not mentally. I have had a million ideas run through my mind, but somehow between the thinking and the actual writing it doesn’t happen. I guess I am at a new crossroad. I have thinking and maybe Discoveries will come to an end soon. Not yet. But soon. I need to move to the next chapter of my life and that was has kept me busy. What will that chapter be?

My major decision lies not only in which place I want to reside but also about really, and I mean really, what is important to me? Career, family, love??? What path do I want to take? And I mean I!!! This one is about me and only me and for once I could be as selfish as possible. See I have the luxury of not having to depend on anyone so I could really think of what I want independently of anyone else. But whatever I decide I need to be happy with that decision. So far I have concluded that no decision is perfect. All options have pros and cons. But as I keep on analyzing, I am finding a bit of myself day by day. And that it is truly a discovery all on its own…

PS. I bought today “Narrow Stairs” by Death Cab for Cutie. Song #2 “I will possess your heart” was what made me buy this CD. That and the fact there is nothing good playing in the radio right now. Anywho, the video is interesting. It is about this girl who is traveling alone all over the world. They show her either walking, or transporting herself somehow or someway from place to place whether via on foot, train, air, boat or whatever…she reminds me of me a bit. Always wanting more, always searching for more, but when do you stop?

Last night around 11:30pm I was going to sleep. When all of a sudden my annoying door bell (imagine extremely loud buzzing noise) started ringing uncontrollably. “Who the hell was ringing the doorbell at that time and why?” “Could it be a crazy person in the street?” My roommate was in planet dreamland and she didn’t hear the doorbell, so I went downstairs and got the door. It was my next door neighbor letting us know that the red Pontiac sunfire parked in the back of the house was on fire!!!!!

Oh shiat!!! That is my neighbor’s car. The red head from the third floor. I screamed fire. Roomie finally woke up. I ran up to the third floor banged on the door until finally they opened and broke the news. Flames were coming out of the car, soon after the firefighters came and all was okay.

The thing is that about a month ago, the same girl backed into my PARKED car (without me being in it) and then left. In essence it was a hit and run. She never fessed up to it and I had to go upstairs and call her out on it. Thankfully I saw the whole thing as it happened. But geez…why not tell me…shit happens, it is understandable, but own up to it. Her roommate appropriately said last night, while we were standing on the street as it was raining, “karma is a bitch”. And I looked at him and then I looked down.

I never wanted this to happen to the girl. I truly feel bad for her. But in essence there is a lesson to be learned here. You have to be responsible for your actions. You could debate Karma, or the laws of physics or whatever…the truth is that in most cases…everything you do to others will somehow return to you…So be honest people… cause there is nothing worse than flames consuming your soul…

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I have been silent these past few weeks. It has been hard to write. Going through a lot emotionally and just do not want to spill my insides to the whole world. Changes happen. People change. Progress happens. And sometimes it’s hard to deal with it. But 10 years have gone by and Portishead is finally releasing a new album. I have been scattering away trying to find any leaked songs on the internet…YouTube is great…

My favorite band has definitely evolved. To places that maybe are a bit darker than before. Can you even fathom that? Confusion, desperation, sadness…this record revolves around all of those feelings and more. But it is honest. It’s a bit rawer. More guitar riffs, more drums, more of Beth’s voice mixed with an eclectic sounds of synthesizers and mixed melodies. It is smart and witty and just all out extremely deep. Hard to comprehend like always, but if you cut to the chase it is masterful. I have not listened to the whole thing yet, but as soon as the album comes out on April 28th I will make sure to run and be the first to buy it (not to mention that I am going to the concert in 2 weeks in good ol’London). And I will listen to it probably for months straight.

What I see and hear in Beth’s voice, is maybe a bit of myself. So much has changed, progressed, converged and metaphorsized in the past 10 years. It has been 10 years since I graduated high school…hmmm…so much learned. And I guess that is why I am at a point, where finally I am getting comfortable. This is it. This is me, now. There have been some good years and some really shitty ones. But here I am. Me. I’m sorry for all of my mistakes. But I have learned from them. I do not want to play games anymore. I do not want to deceive anymore. Take it. Like “Third”. You either love or hate it or learn to appreciate it. But it is just Third. And I am just me.

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