Break ups. They are inevitable sometimes. Man do they hurt. Ahhhh…my heart is still aching. It has been 8 months and 4 days I’m still bleeding. It feels like a hemorrhage that will never cease to bleed.
Regardless of the reason, it is that feeling that stays with you after. The emptiness. The void. The knot that forms in your throat and you cannot swallow. The feeling that your stomach is going to be sick but you haven’t even eaten anything to make it sick. When will it end? When will I feel numbed to all of it?
That sense of loss. The feeling that it will never be again and you have reached the end.
The famous Brazilian Jazz composer, Antonio Carlos Jobim, once said in one of his songs that the saddest thing is when a love affair is over. There might be things that are sadder in this world, but break ups are torturous. Why? Because you actually do not die from them. You might feel like you are but you don’t. You just feel the pain. For a day, a month, a year, a lifetime. But it won’t kill you. And if you really put your mind to it you can even learn to love again.
Love again? Hmmm…seems like something I want to do. But still so scared of being neglected or rejected or not wanted or just plain hurt. Facing that fear. Will I ever be strong again? Will I ever be able to bring down the barrier? I think so. But it’s like the sequels from war. Every time you go in and get out, you deal with more issues. The question that I ask myself, am I just too afraid to love again? To just give myself a new chance…