“The overman…Who has organized the chaos of his passions, given style to his character, and become creative. Aware of life’s terrors, he affirms life without resentment.”

–Friedrich Nietzsche
German philosopher (1844 – 1900)

The past four years have been a whirlwind of emotions and happenings. In a way, I lost myself. I lost myself in the madness of what was happening. And even though I have kept moving, and kept persevering, so much of myself has been lost. So much is gone. How many times do I need to get knocked down? Am I making excuses for myself? I feel as I am.

Choices. Such as being left. Either by a love one or by death. It still causes the same amount of pain. Or maybe even more.

I’ve dealt. I’ve taken care of my own. I’ve risked everything. I’ve changed. I’ve moved. Twice. I’ve come and gone. I’m through. My heart feels as if it doesn’t want to breathe. But it keeps going. Hopeless for wants. But hopeful for the ones around. The fire needs to come back…so I’m on my way to starting it!

As you have probably have gathered I am a bit obsessed with music. This morning I woke up so happy. First I was able to get a full night of sleep for the first time in over a week and second Viva la Vida, the new Coldplay album, was out today. So this morning, I got to work a little late and went and got the album.

When I played the first song, a feeling of calmness came over me. Sort as if I was fulfilled for the moment being. Coldplay is a very sentimental band for me because it has been around in some of the most meaningful moments of my life in the past few years. It has been sort of the soundtrack to my past.

All 10 songs of Viva la Vida are great, but up to now (it has been nonstop listening for the past 4 hrs) my favorites are Cemeteries of London, Yes, and Violet Hill. In the past hour Lost! has been growing on me. Overall, it is a very melodic album, continuing with the trend of past albums, but there are more instrumentals and new rhythms being explored. The undoubtedly well renown Brian Eno was the producer. Asides from his successful career as a solo artist he has also produced albums for such acts as the Talking Heads and U2. So far I love it. Somehow I feel transported to Napoleonic times.

Now as far as the name of the album itself it could mean a lot to the band, but to me personally the message hits home. To live life. Maybe to the fullest or maybe to whatever you can live up to. Maybe to a quick rhythm or to a slow jazzy melody. Just to live. Live it. Lately, I have felt that I have been living my life in a less passionate manner. I have conformed a little bit more. I feel like in a holding pattern. It makes me anxious. But hopefully, the soundtrack to my life will lead me to next chapter. How sweet it is to have a song to live by…

Today, nine years ago was probably one of the worse days of my life. I will never forget it. It was the day I was going to Marco Island, FL for the first time. See my friends insisted in taking me since I was the only Miamian that had never been to Marco Island ever. But I didn’t want to go. I didn’t. Something in me was telling me not to go. It was strange. So around 2pm, I still had not asked my parents for permission, but I figured, hmmm…maybe I should go with the earlier car. Because I knew mom and dad will not be too thrilled if I left to Marco at night. So I called my friend who was driving the first car, but for some odd reason we couldn’t communicate. I rushed to my boyfriend’s (at the time) house and when I got there, I had missed them by a few seconds. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! How frustrating. If I had ran that yellow light I would have made it. Geez!!!!

Oh wellz, I’ll just go with the boyfriend and the other friend to Marco at night. In the meantime, I’ll go to work. I was a babysitter at the time. Still at the boyfriend’s house, the boyfriend met up with me. It was strange he kept on opening the door. But there was no one there. Yet this strong gush of wind will blow through the entryway. It was sort of odd. I went to pick up my munchkin at her recital practice. I had a beeper at the time, and I get two 911 beeps from another friend. Hmmm…I got immediately pissed off because I thought they were unnecessary. So, I got the little one in the car. And went to a public phone and called. Amidst the tears and the screaming, I was able to make it out the following words—accident, two friends, my best friend, and no hospital. I suddenly felt a nervous tingly sensation all over my body. An uncontrollable force came over me and I just started weeping. I got in the car and told the munchkin to tell me jokes. She did. The whole way. I dropped her off at her mom’s work and rushed to my friend’s house (the one that had told me the news) only to find out that it was true. My best friends had just died in a horrific car accident. Nineteen years of age. Perfect girl, perfect student, perfect friend and daughter. Perfect being. I felt as if life was taken out of me. If it had fled me. My time clock had stopped. I saw people moving around me but I couldn’t move along with them. I could hardly breathe. I was numbed. Distraught. I couldn’t eat, drink, think, anything. I just felt all feeling and desire to feel had escaped me. How could the person that I was the closest to disappear? From one day to the next? I just didn’t get it. I don’t know.

Today, I still miss her as much as that day 9 years ago. I wish she was here. Next to me. But I think of her everyday. I know she will always be with me. In my heart. What this has taught me? To truly treasure my friends and family. We are on borrowed time here, and we should never take our loved ones for granted. For you don’t know if that is the last moment you will share together…

Phew…Breathe in…and out…don’t forget to breathe. Get off and on the saddle…sweat running down my cheeks, forehead, eyelids, come on Per, you can do it. Wait. My insides hurt. My stomach is turning. I think I am going to vomit. Oh, come on Per, don’t be a weakling. Just do it. Just go faster. Put the resistance a bit higher. Come on. Do it. Think about the calories. About those clam cakes you ate. Come on…work…out…work…out…oh, I am tired. Oh that is right….oxygen…breathe…I need to keep breathing…just do it…harder…come on…no pain no gain…push, pull, push, pull…keep your heels down. Keep on pedaling…ahhh…breathe…don’t forget to breathe…oh…it’s over…yes…I did it…700 calories burnt!!!

I discovered Spinning through a dear friend of mine. And it has changed my life. I love it. When I started I hate it, but now I am addicted to it. To the pain, and the sweat and my screaming instructor. It’s great. I love all of it. And what I love the most. The results!!!

I have been absent. Physically. Not mentally. I have had a million ideas run through my mind, but somehow between the thinking and the actual writing it doesn’t happen. I guess I am at a new crossroad. I have thinking and maybe Discoveries will come to an end soon. Not yet. But soon. I need to move to the next chapter of my life and that was has kept me busy. What will that chapter be?

My major decision lies not only in which place I want to reside but also about really, and I mean really, what is important to me? Career, family, love??? What path do I want to take? And I mean I!!! This one is about me and only me and for once I could be as selfish as possible. See I have the luxury of not having to depend on anyone so I could really think of what I want independently of anyone else. But whatever I decide I need to be happy with that decision. So far I have concluded that no decision is perfect. All options have pros and cons. But as I keep on analyzing, I am finding a bit of myself day by day. And that it is truly a discovery all on its own…

PS. I bought today “Narrow Stairs” by Death Cab for Cutie. Song #2 “I will possess your heart” was what made me buy this CD. That and the fact there is nothing good playing in the radio right now. Anywho, the video is interesting. It is about this girl who is traveling alone all over the world. They show her either walking, or transporting herself somehow or someway from place to place whether via on foot, train, air, boat or whatever…she reminds me of me a bit. Always wanting more, always searching for more, but when do you stop?