Discovering Today…9 Years Ago…

Today, nine years ago was probably one of the worse days of my life. I will never forget it. It was the day I was going to Marco Island, FL for the first time. See my friends insisted in taking me since I was the only Miamian that had never been to Marco Island ever. But I didn’t want to go. I didn’t. Something in me was telling me not to go. It was strange. So around 2pm, I still had not asked my parents for permission, but I figured, hmmm…maybe I should go with the earlier car. Because I knew mom and dad will not be too thrilled if I left to Marco at night. So I called my friend who was driving the first car, but for some odd reason we couldn’t communicate. I rushed to my boyfriend’s (at the time) house and when I got there, I had missed them by a few seconds. Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!! How frustrating. If I had ran that yellow light I would have made it. Geez!!!!

Oh wellz, I’ll just go with the boyfriend and the other friend to Marco at night. In the meantime, I’ll go to work. I was a babysitter at the time. Still at the boyfriend’s house, the boyfriend met up with me. It was strange he kept on opening the door. But there was no one there. Yet this strong gush of wind will blow through the entryway. It was sort of odd. I went to pick up my munchkin at her recital practice. I had a beeper at the time, and I get two 911 beeps from another friend. Hmmm…I got immediately pissed off because I thought they were unnecessary. So, I got the little one in the car. And went to a public phone and called. Amidst the tears and the screaming, I was able to make it out the following words—accident, two friends, my best friend, and no hospital. I suddenly felt a nervous tingly sensation all over my body. An uncontrollable force came over me and I just started weeping. I got in the car and told the munchkin to tell me jokes. She did. The whole way. I dropped her off at her mom’s work and rushed to my friend’s house (the one that had told me the news) only to find out that it was true. My best friends had just died in a horrific car accident. Nineteen years of age. Perfect girl, perfect student, perfect friend and daughter. Perfect being. I felt as if life was taken out of me. If it had fled me. My time clock had stopped. I saw people moving around me but I couldn’t move along with them. I could hardly breathe. I was numbed. Distraught. I couldn’t eat, drink, think, anything. I just felt all feeling and desire to feel had escaped me. How could the person that I was the closest to disappear? From one day to the next? I just didn’t get it. I don’t know.

Today, I still miss her as much as that day 9 years ago. I wish she was here. Next to me. But I think of her everyday. I know she will always be with me. In my heart. What this has taught me? To truly treasure my friends and family. We are on borrowed time here, and we should never take our loved ones for granted. For you don’t know if that is the last moment you will share together…

 

Discovering Thoughtfulness…

I have been absent. Physically. Not mentally. I have had a million ideas run through my mind, but somehow between the thinking and the actual writing it doesn’t happen. I guess I am at a new crossroad. I have thinking and maybe Discoveries will come to an end soon. Not yet. But soon. I need to move to the next chapter of my life and that was has kept me busy. What will that chapter be?

My major decision lies not only in which place I want to reside but also about really, and I mean really, what is important to me? Career, family, love??? What path do I want to take? And I mean I!!! This one is about me and only me and for once I could be as selfish as possible. See I have the luxury of not having to depend on anyone so I could really think of what I want independently of anyone else. But whatever I decide I need to be happy with that decision. So far I have concluded that no decision is perfect. All options have pros and cons. But as I keep on analyzing, I am finding a bit of myself day by day. And that it is truly a discovery all on its own…

PS. I bought today “Narrow Stairs” by Death Cab for Cutie. Song #2 “I will possess your heart” was what made me buy this CD. That and the fact there is nothing good playing in the radio right now. Anywho, the video is interesting. It is about this girl who is traveling alone all over the world. They show her either walking, or transporting herself somehow or someway from place to place whether via on foot, train, air, boat or whatever…she reminds me of me a bit. Always wanting more, always searching for more, but when do you stop?

 

Discovering Karma

Last night around 11:30pm I was going to sleep. When all of a sudden my annoying door bell (imagine extremely loud buzzing noise) started ringing uncontrollably. “Who the hell was ringing the doorbell at that time and why?” “Could it be a crazy person in the street?” My roommate was in planet dreamland and she didn’t hear the doorbell, so I went downstairs and got the door. It was my next door neighbor letting us know that the red Pontiac sunfire parked in the back of the house was on fire!!!!!

Oh shiat!!! That is my neighbor’s car. The red head from the third floor. I screamed fire. Roomie finally woke up. I ran up to the third floor banged on the door until finally they opened and broke the news. Flames were coming out of the car, soon after the firefighters came and all was okay.

The thing is that about a month ago, the same girl backed into my PARKED car (without me being in it) and then left. In essence it was a hit and run. She never fessed up to it and I had to go upstairs and call her out on it. Thankfully I saw the whole thing as it happened. But geez…why not tell me…shit happens, it is understandable, but own up to it. Her roommate appropriately said last night, while we were standing on the street as it was raining, “karma is a bitch”. And I looked at him and then I looked down.

I never wanted this to happen to the girl. I truly feel bad for her. But in essence there is a lesson to be learned here. You have to be responsible for your actions. You could debate Karma, or the laws of physics or whatever…the truth is that in most cases…everything you do to others will somehow return to you…So be honest people… cause there is nothing worse than flames consuming your soul…

 

Discovering No More Games

I have been silent these past few weeks. It has been hard to write. Going through a lot emotionally and just do not want to spill my insides to the whole world. Changes happen. People change. Progress happens. And sometimes it’s hard to deal with it. But 10 years have gone by and Portishead is finally releasing a new album. I have been scattering away trying to find any leaked songs on the internet…YouTube is great…

My favorite band has definitely evolved. To places that maybe are a bit darker than before. Can you even fathom that? Confusion, desperation, sadness…this record revolves around all of those feelings and more. But it is honest. It’s a bit rawer. More guitar riffs, more drums, more of Beth’s voice mixed with an eclectic sounds of synthesizers and mixed melodies. It is smart and witty and just all out extremely deep. Hard to comprehend like always, but if you cut to the chase it is masterful. I have not listened to the whole thing yet, but as soon as the album comes out on April 28th I will make sure to run and be the first to buy it (not to mention that I am going to the concert in 2 weeks in good ol’London). And I will listen to it probably for months straight.

What I see and hear in Beth’s voice, is maybe a bit of myself. So much has changed, progressed, converged and metaphorsized in the past 10 years. It has been 10 years since I graduated high school…hmmm…so much learned. And I guess that is why I am at a point, where finally I am getting comfortable. This is it. This is me, now. There have been some good years and some really shitty ones. But here I am. Me. I’m sorry for all of my mistakes. But I have learned from them. I do not want to play games anymore. I do not want to deceive anymore. Take it. Like “Third”. You either love or hate it or learn to appreciate it. But it is just Third. And I am just me.

 

Para mi Amiga…

“Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.”
–King Whitney Jr.

“May this new chapter in your life be full of wonderful discoveries…I know in my heart you will only grow to be a stronger more beautiful woman than what you are already are…Buena Suerte Amiga!!!

 

Discovering Self-Preservation…

A very good friend of mine and I were having a discussion yesterday about self-preservation in relationships. Now, what do I mean by self-preservation? That selfish feeling you have to protect yourself from others in order to avoid being emotionally hurt. What are the consequences of self-preservation? Hmm…I could name a few such as:

1. You keep your heart closed to others, that way you never seem to get too hurt because you really do not feel that much for them
2. You end up alone, but this feeling of solitude is acceptable since the trade off its just a life of instant gratification
3. Ultimately, you possess a feeling of superiority due to this separation from everyone which makes you seem arrogant

Point is that you keep everyone at an arm’s distance so you don’t get hurt. But I ask, are we really that screwed up as a society that we need to keep everyone away because we are so scared to let anyone in? Geez, it is annoying. Is as if everyone past the age of 22 had some deep emotional issues they don’t want to open themselves to the possibility of friendship or love. What is the big deal if you commit to someone? If it doesn’t work out then you break up. Yes, it hurts, but you won’t die and you will live. Live a life of passion and full of love…

Being from South America I guess that is one of the things that I miss the most. Every time I go back, I always find how people are just so giving. They give you directions, or they give you a plate of food, or they give you a couch to crash on for the night or they give you their heart. They are just so giving. And it is so refreshing. Yes, people get hurt, but you keep on going. That is what life is about. It is not to keep yourself in a jail cell so you keep off all the people that “could” or “might” hurt you. I mean keeping everyone at an arm’s distance, does that really make you happy. Having physical interchanges with others, is that really fulfilling? Personally, it isn’t for me. And personally, I don’t get it either and I have been living in this country for 19 years. But for now I am here, so I will have to put up with it.

 

Discovering Reality…

As I was walking to Starbucks yesterday in like 15 degree weather and my lips felt as if they were going to freeze, I had a realization. I had been compromising myself and living in planet X or Y. I was in dreamland. Really, I was. I was preaching to the choir about self worth and this and that and really being a hypocrite because I was not putting into practice in my own life.

That stops now. I guess with age comes more self assurance. Some might call it bitchiness, but I call it knowing your own self worth. If you don’t value yourself and take care of yourself, no one else will do it for you. And as I think about that…and realize that…I pledge to do the following:

1. Walk with my head up high
2. It’s my time and my time only…
3. I will not beg, and I will not hope for things to change. They are what they are and I should just realize it and move on
4. I cannot stall. I need to move forward. If I am feeling like I am stalling in a situation, then I need to asses it, come up with a plan and a solution, take care of it and move on.
5. And most of all, live life to the fullest. Start everyday with a smile and not let negativity damper my day, for it is my life and my day as well…

So, some call me crazy, some call me demented, but I am just going to keep going, keep fighting and not settling or taking $h!t from people…because…I’m worth it!!!

 

Discovering No More…Descubriendo el No Mas!!!

“Colombia Unida No Sera Vencida!!!”

Yesterday, February 4th, millions of Colombians around the world (in over 100 cities) gathered together as one. One against the guerrillas-the FARC. So they could stop…stop the kidnappings, stop the murder, the lies, the abuse.

I am usually very unwilling to talk about the “bad” things about Colombia. I mean they get enough media coverage, so I feel I need to talk about the positive sides of my country, such as its beauty, its people, its food, its folklore. But I cannot hide the fact that evil groups such as the FARC still have an incredible power in the region. Even after the billions of dollars that the US pumps into Plan Colombia and all of President Uribe’s efforts they still hold kidnapped over 700 individuals. And with drug demand increasing in Europe and in the United States, the FARC will only be more powerful.
But all my countrymen and women, today are walking together as one. One against fear, war, injustice. We are tired. No more, enough is enough. We want peace. Because, I will like to go back to my home…

PS. Great coverage in BBC and in El Tiempo

PSS. If you use drugs, think…you are helping to kill, helping people be murdered in other countries, you are holding people hostage in jungles…you are swallowing or putting in your veins, drugs that are carried in people’s stomachs or in puppies stomachs…and you are okay with that???

 

Further discoveries about conformity…

I have been thinking a lot about conformity lately and why is such an attractive alternative to being passionate. And with all my thinking, I arrived at the following conclusion. The reason why we conform is because we are scared of the uncertainty. And ultimately we feel that if we don’t change anything, then we will know what tomorrow will bring. Which it is an idiotic way of thinking because ultimately we do not know what will happen tomorrow, or an hour from now for that matter. There are no certainties in life. I could die in five minutes and that will be it for me. So I have no guarantees.

So let’s go back to the topic of uncertainty. Most of us wonder about what we don’t know. About tomorrow, or who we will meet, or if this is the job for us, or life in general. There is no way of knowing, and we try to soften that anxiety by either praying to whatever higher power, or going to a palm reader or reading the horoscope or what not. Ultimately though, no one knows. And that terrifies us. Especially when get into something new-like a new relationship, a new job, a new city or a new anything.

I think though that we need to be honest with ourselves and we need to stop lying. If you are happy with your life, then be happy with it. But if you aren’t-ask yourself why? Be honest. Sometimes change is needed to improve things around you. But be honest. Because it is such a pity to waste time, on something that does not make you happy. Because why on earth will you lie to yourself??? Is the truth that scary???

 

Discovering Self-Worth

A while back, someone very special in my life requested I write a post about self-worth. I thought it was a great idea, but simply with the craziness of the holidays I didn’t write it. But it is time now. So here it goes…

What is self worth??? Dictionary.com defines as “the sense of one’s own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect“.

Value…self value…I could only speak for myself, as I think this is truly a personal issue. My self value or worth is incredibly volatile I feel. As strong as I seem on the outside, I’m extremely sensitive to what people say, think or feel about me. My ex-boyfriend will tell me things at times that will leave me deeply depressed for months!!! Now, you might think I am an emotional butterball, but it is not that. I think is the more you care the more susceptible you become to others. But after years of battling with this issue, I am beginning to learn that “caring” is good, but caring about yourself is equally if not more important that caring about others. That, is not to be interpreted as the same thing as being selfish. But it is truly important to give yourself that value, that worthy value.

What happens when you are sure of yourself? You instantaneously become a more attractive and self assured person. You start being the boss of your own life and calling the shots. But it is not easy to get there. I am not there even. I am on my way, but I feel like I just started.

It is hard to tell someone that you care about, no…you will not do that to me anymore. That is hard to say. At least for me is hard. Because it is easy to tell someone you hate to leave you alone. But when you love that person, when you care for that person, that is hard. It is as if you were killing that person from your life, but truly you are standing up for yourself.

So, in giving your worth a true value, so others can appreciate, you learn to be yourself, to love yourself and you learn that by loving yourself, you are more loving to others than ever before.